


Losing Resonance

by yifanforever



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Guilt, Hoarding, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-08 13:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5499101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yifanforever/pseuds/yifanforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo's memories are embodied by everything he's ever touched or ever owned.  He doesn't want to forget, so he never lets go; not even when he realizes he's created his own misery.  But things change for Kyungsoo when the new neighborhood paperboy is determined to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

He wakes up, ignoring the foul stench that surrounds him.  By now, he's become accustomed to it.  Kyungsoo never thinks much of insignificant things, such as smell anyway.  He shuffles over to the bathroom, led by the little path he's created but as soon as he's reached the door and tries to push it inwards, it won't budge.  Kyungsoo remembers he recently put the television in the bathroom and that it must be blocking the door.  It had been occupying too much space in the living room, a place he'd needed to put the dirty dishes he hadn't washed in months.  Now because of that foolish move, there was no way to use the toilet.

 

Kyungsoo sighs and turns around, and decides to just relieve himself outside.  He moves through the piles of clutter trying not to step on anything.  He feels caged in, not being able to move around in his own house.  When he finally reaches the front door, he wrenches it open and steps outside.  Kyungsoo breathes in the morning air.

 

It's warm.  Kyungsoo loves warm weather, but he doesn't really spend too much time outside the house to enjoy it.  He's usually busy working on his laptop as an editor for a publishing company.  All he does day and night is read and fix minor grammatical errors.  For a long term occupation, there's not much that he can do besides this, considering the fact he doesn't like people.  Kyungsoo tries to avoid any type of interaction at all.  He's lucky the company allows him to work at home with minimal interaction.  Kyungsoo is content with being antisocial.  There are even some days he feels uncomfortable to talk to Luhan as well, which Luhan doesn't understand as always.

 

Kyungsoo walks around the house to his backyard.  He now has a desperate need to relieve himself but once he reaches the backyard, he groans in frustration.  The backyard is filled with his things, just as it is inside his house.  He is faced with the truth that he'd been trying to avoid.

 

_He needs to throw a few things out._

 

But he can't.  Kyungsoo won't do that.  He'll continue to live like trash, in the company of all the trash he can't bring himself to throw out.  

 

Kyungsoo knows he doesn't necessarily need more than half the items he keeps, but he keeps them anyway.  He tells himself they're all important to him.  Everything from the antique vase an old friend from high school, Park Chanyeol, had sent him for his birthday a few years back, to the dirty tissue stained with tomato sauce he used to wipe his mouth after dinner just last night.  Everything has a significance, a special memory that he needs to treasure.  If he throws it away, then he just knows he'll ask himself,  _was that special to him at all?  Why would he throw away his memories, his happiness, these pieces of his life?_

 

Kyungsoo then realizes there is a stream of warm liquid running down his thigh.  He curses and tries to stand in the most unoccupied corner of his backyard.  Even after he's done, he just remains standing.  He has nothing else to do but wait for the stench to settle in and his pants to dry.  He has no means to clean himself, nor does he have a fresh pair of clothes to wear.  Yet even if he did, he's not sure if he'll be able to even find them in the endless assortment of things he owns.

 

Not for the first time in his life, Kyungsoo feels pitiful.  He's felt pitiful in high school when he was rejected by Wu Yifan, who at the time, was an attractive Chinese exchange student.  He's felt pitiful when Zhang Yixing, president of Seoul University's dance team claimed he wasn't skilled enough to join.  He's felt pitiful when his cousin, his best friend in the entire world, Byun Baekhyun decided to leave him behind in the world of the living.

 

He hears a sudden rustle and a set of footsteps and then the hollow sound of a hand knocking on a door.  Kyungsoo knows that it's probably Luhan coming to do his weekly check on him but today Kyungsoo doesn't want to listen to another lecture about how he needs to throw out all his stuff.  However knowing Luhan, Kyungsoo will have to endure because Luhan never takes no for an answer.  

 

Not bothering to go into the house to get to the front door, he walks around the side of his house and walks across the front yard to someone who is not Luhan.  Kyungsoo examines his tanned skin and dark hair. His jawline angular but not too sharp.  He has a muscular build and a he's wearing a casual ensemble of jeans and a t-shirt.  He looks at Kyungsoo and smiles.

 

"Hi, my name's Jongin.  Would you like me to help you throw all this stuff out?" he says.

 

Kyungsoo is confused.  He's never met this man named Jongin.  His neighbors don't interact with him, but Kyungsoo knows his neighbors.  Jongin is not a neighbor.  Kyungsoo decides not to interact with Jongin more than he has to.  Jongin does not make him feel comfortable, especially when he talks of disposing his belongings.

 

"Please get off my property now," Kyungsoo manages to say.  It doesn't come out very assertive but thankfully Jongin isn't the type to keep insisting.

 

Jongin's smile fades and he walks back the the sidewalk in front of Kyungsoo's home.  Kyungsoo notices the bicycle that Jongin picks up is filled up with rolled up newspapers.  Jongin takes one and hands it to Kyungsoo.

 

"If you ever need my help, I stop by every morning. 7AM sharp," Jongin says looking at his watch and then holding it up for Kyungsoo to see.  Sure enough, it is seven in the morning.

 

Kyungsoo watches as Jongin straddles the bicycle seat and then rides off.  He walks back into his house after a few minutes, he finds a spot to settle down and read the newspaper. 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, Kyungsoo reads through another novel utterly frustrated by the plot.  Nothing about this book makes any sense.  He doesn't know why the publishing company approved the book for print.  Unfortunately, it's not Kyungsoo's place to judge the book; his job is just to revise it.  He sighs and looks up into the sky.  The sun is just about to come up.  Kyungsoo finds that he likes watching the sun rise.  

 

He's in the front yard today, because in order to use the bathroom he had to place the television in front of the path leading to his bed.  Kyungsoo slept on the lawn, and when he woke up early in the morning, he decided to get some work done..

 

He continues staring at the sky, which is now a bright shade a yellowish orange.  Kyungsoo thinks it's beautiful.  It's a lighter and happier color that he wishes he could touch.  He then realizes he doesn't really want to touch the bright colors in the sky.  Kyungsoo just wants the impossible; to be happy again.

 

Soon, it gets too bright to be looking up in the sky so Kyungsoo closes his eyes and lets the light shine on his face.  Kyungsoo likes the fact that since summer is coming, the sun rises earlier.  He wants the sun to shine down on him forever.  

 

His moment of peace is ruined by the slap of something hitting his face.  Kyungsoo sits up almost immediately, flustered and holds the object up to his face.  It's a newspaper.  His eyes find the paperboy, Jongin who's sitting on his bicycle laughing at him.  Jongin gets off and walks toward him, with a smirk planted on his face.

 

"Why are you up so early, neighbor?" he asks, sitting down next to Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo is uncomfortable with Jongin's sudden interest in his life, especially since they are strangers.  He doesn't want to give Jongin any answers but he has a feeling if he doesn't say something, Jongin won't leave him alone.

 

"I slept out here last night," Kyungsoo answers.

 

Jongin blinks at him, "You don't have a bed in that house?"

 

"There's a forty two inch flat screen on it," he replies.

 

"Why don't you put that in your living room?" Jongin asks.

 

"Why do you ask about things that aren't your business?" Kyungsoo shoots back.

 

Jongin lets out a chuckle, "I suppose your question's fair."

 

Kyungsoo doesn't answer him back.  He wants Jongin to leave.  Everything about Jongin is alluring; from his smile, to the tilt of his head when he's looking up at the sky, to the way he gives Kyungsoo warm smiles and asks him questions like he's genuinely interested about Kyungsoo's life.  Kyungsoo doesn't want Jongin around because he  _does_  want him around.  

 

"I live at the end of the street.  A hyung from the same university I go to owns the house, and there are four other roommates living there too.  Just in case you want to find me," Jongin says getting up, "and if I'm not there when you show up, ask for Junmyeon.  He's the guy that owns the house."

 

Kyungsoo doesn't know why Jongin would think that Kyungsoo would ever come looking for him.  He's done nothing to indicate that he has any interest in Jongin at all.  He watches as Jongin gets back on his bike and rides away.  

 

This is the second time he's seen Jongin go, but it's the first time he wants him to stay.

 

 

  ~~~~

 

It's been three days since Kyungsoo last saw Jongin.  Kyungsoo has avoided going outside or even answering the door when Jongin had knocked on it every morning since then.  It takes these three days for Kyungsoo to realize he's afraid of Jongin because Jongin makes him feel happy, and that makes Kyungsoo guilty.  What right does he have to be happy when Baekhyun can't even feel anymore?

 

Because Baekhyun doesn't exist anymore.

 

Kyungsoo falls onto his bed and looks around him.  It's because of Baekhyun's he's like this.  It's because of Baekhyun he feels like he has to surrounded himself with all this unnecessary garbage.  It's because Kyungsoo hasn't let go of his grief.  But that's what Kyungsoo tells himself, even thought deep down he knows it's not Baekhyun's fault at all.  It's his own.

 

Kyungsoo, not for the first time, wishes that he had died instead.  It's not that he had anything to do with Baekhyun's death.  Baekhyun had been in some exotic country at the time, traveling and enjoying life, when his life had ended.  But that's why Kyungsoo wants to switch places.  Baekhyun wouldn't have been this pitiful.

 

If Kyungsoo had died, Baekhyun would have grieved, but after the appropriate time, he would have gone on living.  Baekhyun would have been making new friends, traveling around the world, learning new things, falling in love.  Baekhyun would have made enough merriment for himself and Kyungsoo combined.  Baekhyun had had so much to offer the world.  Kyungsoo was rotting away, wasting space.

 

He glances over at the nightstand.  There was no lamp, but instead various photos of him and Baekhyun together.  In one photo, Baekhyun has his arm around Kyungsoo's fragile looking shoulders, winking at the camera.  In another, Baekhyun is forcing a hat onto Kyungsoo, both of them are bundled up in warm fur coats to protect themselves from the cold weather.  He can remember the moments in the photos as if these events had just recently occurred.

 

Kyungsoo misses Baekhyun.  He wants to roll up in a ball and cry, but the tears won't come out.  He's already cried too much over Baekhyun.  Instead, he just lays there for hours, pitying himself because that's all he can do these days.  

 

A loud bang, startles him.  Kyungsoo shoots up and grabs a long steel pipe next to his bed.  It's covered in a greenish slime but Kyungsoo doesn't care as long as it helps him fend off an intruder.  

 

"Fuck this!  I can't fucking move.  Kyungsoo get your ass out here," Luhan's voice curses.

 

Kyungsoo relaxes.  He puts the pipe back where he got it from and maneuvers through the house, using the clear paths he's made, but not before rinsing his hands in the bathroom.  It's a struggle, but Kyungsoo is very accustomed to living this way.  He finds Luhan stuck somewhere between the kitchen and a small annex near the side of the house.

 

"Kyungsoo, there you are!  Is it just me, or does it smell even worse?" Luhan says.

 

Kyungsoo shrugs, "I don't notice any smell."

 

"Bullshit.  I don't care if you live here, I know you've noticed the smell," Luhan replies.

 

Kyungsoo doesn't answer because he knows what's coming.  Every week when Luhan shows up, Kyungsoo receives the same lecture.  Kyungsoo knows he should clean the house, and get rid of everything; he doesn't need Luhan to tell him that.  He just doesn't want to hear it.  Kyungsoo would rather be left alone.

 

"Kyungsoo, you have to let go," Luhan starts.  

 

Every speech starts with the same exact words.  Kyungsoo is an adult.  He doesn't appreciate being told what he  _has_  to do.  Not even by Luhan.  Kyungsoo has listened to this same speech too many times, and at this point he doesn't even know why Luhan keeps trying.

 

"Can you leave?  I don't want your help, Luhan," Kyungsoo asks, because he's had enough.  He doesn't want Luhan to keep tabs on him.  He doesn't want to be pitied by anyone other than himself.  Kyungsoo can't emphasize enough how much he wants to be left alone.

 

Luhan looks at him, his face unmoving.  Kyungsoo has never talked back to Luhan before.

 

"Do you want to keep living like this?" Luhan asks, after a long moment of silence.

 

Kyungsoo is honest when he says, "No."

 

"Then do something about it," Luhan answers back.  

 

Luhan almost angrily shoves his way back to the front door.  He pushes Kyungsoo's things around.  The neatly stacked piles that Kyungsoo had made are now scattered on the floor.  Luhan kicks a few boxes that had been filled with Kyungsoo's extensive music collection.  The discs shatter almost immediately.  Kyungsoo is frozen in place because he's never seen Luhan this angry.  Luhan stops by the door to have his last word.

 

"Baekhyun wasn't just your cousin.  He was  _my_  step-brother too.  I've tried Kyungsoo, but if you don't want to help yourself then I can't do anything.  And quite honestly, Baekhyun would be ashamed of you right now," Luhan says.

 

Luhan leaves but his words continue ringing in Kyungsoo's ears.

 

_Baekhyun would be ashamed of you right now._

 

The tears prickle Kyungsoo's eyes before he can stop them from falling.


	2. Two

Kyungsoo knows his "condition" has gotten worse. Ever since Luhan stormed out of his house two days ago, Kyungsoo has been sitting with a phone book, perusing through the pages for a therapist he can call. He tells himself that he just needs to talk to someone and the problem will go away. If this therapist can help, then he won't feel the need to keep every thing he sees or he won't go looking for things in the neighbors' trash that he feels he can salvage but never use.

He feels like a failure because of what he's put himself through. His parents won't talk to him or even acknowledge his existence anymore. They were disappointed in what he'd become. When he was little his parents had always told him they expected him to be great.

Kyungsoo has never aspired to be "great" because he doesn't know what that means. Does being great mean to be successful, to have a home, a job and a family? Does it mean having achieved something like the creation of a vaccine or the latest smartphone app? Does being great mean having more money than others? Or does being a great person merely indicate having a kind heart, a person with good intentions?

Whatever the answer is, Kyungsoo knows that Baekhyun was a great person; and if Baekhyun were alive he would have not been great. He would have been absolutely brilliant, unsurpassable even. Kyungsoo's throat tightens because he remembers he's not supposed to think about Baekhyun and that hurts him. Baekhyun deserves to be remembered, not forgotten.

A loud knock interrupts his thoughts. It takes Kyungsoo a few minutes to make his way to the front door. He opens it and comes face to face with Jongin, the paperboy. Kyungsoo is immediately nervous and he does what his instincts tell him. 

He slams the door in Jongin's face.

Kyungsoo stands there for another moment and panics. It's rude to slam doors in people's faces. He scrambles to open the door to meet Jongin's dumbfounded expression.

"I apologize. That was rude,"Kyungsoo says, not quite meeting Jongin's eyes.

"It's okay," Jongin replies, softly.

Kyungsoo nervously looks up and sees Jongin craning his neck to peer into his house. Kyungsoo hurriedly closes the door and steps outside to talk. He doesn't want to let Jongin see the mess inside the house. It seems strange to him that someone besides Luhan would want to see the pile of junk he's living in.

"They call you the Creep In House 42," Jongin says.

Kyungsoo blinks, "Who does?"

"The entire neighborhood. I asked around about you but it looks like nobody knows you anyway," Jongin says.

Kyungsoo takes this in with a heavy heart. He hadn't known his reputation in the neighborhood. Of course they have a right to speak about him that way; Kyungsoo knows he's not normal but to hear it so bluntly is a bit upsetting. 

"What do you want?" Kyungsoo asks.

"A reason," Jongin says, eyeing the scattered trash on the front yard.

"I don't think we're close enough for me to tell you my life story. You don't even know my name," Kyungsoo points out.

"I'd know it if you'd tell me," Jongin shoots back.

Kyungsoo sighs and rubs a hand over his face, "I think it would be better if you didn't get involved in my life. I come with a lot of baggage."

Jongin shrugs and pulls something out of a bag, "I'm strong enough to carry it. Oh, and here's your newspaper. "

Kyungsoo tells Jongin his name.

 

 

Jongin invites himself to Kyungsoo's house the next day as well. Kyungsoo had been expecting him to come, so he waits out in the front yard for Jongin. There's no room to sit and greet Jongin inside the house anyway. Kyungsoo waves to him as Jongin parks his bike and comes to sit down next to him. Jongin gives him that morning's paper and pats Kyungsoo's knee. Kyungsoo nods at him and puts the newspaper in his lap.

"Missed me?" Jongin asks.

"Not really," Kyungsoo replies and continues, "Why do keep coming here Jongin?"

"Because I think you're interesting," Jongin says.

"There's nothing interesting about me," Kyungsoo retorts.

"You may not see it, but I do. Anyways, how old are you?" Jongin asks.

Kyungsoo realizes this is an appropriate question, but again, he doesn't want to reveal too much about himself. It's unsettling how at ease he feels with Jongin. Before he can stop himself, he's already giving Jongin the number.

"Twenty two. How old are you?" he asks, curious to know Jongin's age in return.

"Twenty one," Jongin replies.

They sit in silence watching a parade of cockroaches marching across the yard. Kyungsoo is used to vermin and insects roaming around his house. Jongin visibly flinches at the sight, and yet remains sitting next to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is genuinely touched by Jongin's actions. Not many people are willing to deal with the smell, the mess, the bugs. Jongin is more than willing; he sacrifices his own comfort to spend time with Kyungsoo, who is still a stranger.

For the first time in a while, Kyungsoo wants to try, for the sake of this stranger named Jongin. He wants to get help. He wants to make an effort because Jongin is making an effort for him. Kyungsoo can hopefully find a reason to live again, to be normal again, because of Jongin.

"What's your surname?" Kyungsoo asks. 

Kyungsoo decides if Jongin is insistent on being a part of his life, he may as well become friends with the boy, requiring them to share things with each other. Kyungsoo is okay with this as long as Jongin doesn't find out why Kyungsoo keeps things and doesn't throw anything out. He would prefer to share the more positive things with Jongin, like his skill for writing, or his love for movies.

"I'm Kim Jongin, sometimes people call me Kai though," Jongin tells him.

Kyungsoo nods. He wants to ask Jongin why people call him Kai but he feels sharing too much all at once would overwhelming for him. Jongin seems to understand this and he talks to Kyungsoo about anything and everything else. They talk for an hour about politics, music, movies instead of their lives and experiences. 

"Kyungsoo. Do I make you uncomfortable?" Jongin finally asks.

Kyungsoo thinks about it for a moment, "Yes."

Jongin smiles brightly, "Good. I have to go to school now. I'll see you tomorrow Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo watches as Jongin leaves. He reads the paper, realizing before Jongin started delivering them, he's never read a newspaper before in his life.

 

 

If Kyungsoo had a quarter for every time Luhan has claimed to give up only to double his efforts, Kyungsoo would be rich. Luhan visits him in the afternoon holding a bag of what smells like Chinese takeout. Kyungsoo is bewildered by Luhan's sudden act of kindness. It was just two days ago that Luhan was too frustrated to even be in his presence.

"Kyungsoo, bring some chairs out into the yard so we can eat!" Luhan calls from the front doorway.

Kyungsoo does as he's told. Growing up, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo always did as Luhan told them. The habit never changed even into adulthood, even when Kyungsoo was not on good terms Luhan.

He takes the carton and chopsticks Luhan passes to him and begins eating. Luhan takes a few bites of food before addressing why he came.

"I saw you with someone this morning. Who is he?" Luhan asks.

Kyungsoo chokes on his noodles not expecting that particular question, "When did you come by this morning?"

Luhan waves him off. "That doesn't matter. Who is he? It's just that," he pauses for a moment, "you looked happy. So I want to know who he is."

Kyungsoo chews slowly. "His name is Kim Jongin. He's the neighborhood paperboy."

"So what were you guys talking about?"

"I don't want to talk about it Luhan. The kid doesn't know what he's getting into. He thinks we can be friends."

"Maybe you should be friends. This could be a good thing, Kyungsoo. We grew up together and you look more happy with Jongin that you have with me in the last two years."

Kyungsoo thinks about this. He's considered allowing Jongin into his life, because he knows it might be good for him. It's true he hasn't giving the right amount of attention to Luhan as a sibling-like cousin. Even though Luhan isn't related to him by blood, he is related by marriage. Kyungsoo feels guilty for not being there for Luhan. Luhan has always been by Kyungsoo's side and Kyungsoo has given nothing in return.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything Luhan. This time I'm going to try. I promise. I'll try," Kyungsoo says, his voice cracking.

Luhan puts his food down and pats Kyungsoo on the back. Kyungsoo lets Luhan comfort him. 

"It's okay. It's going to be okay," Luhan says softly.

Kyungsoo lets himself believe it. It will be okay.

 

Kyungsoo is graced with Luhan's presence the next morning. Kyungsoo is afraid of what this means. Luhan never visits more than four times a month, and yet he's visited three times already in the past two weeks. Kyungsoo follows Luhan out into the front yard so they can talk.

"Have you made any efforts yet?" Luhan asks.

Kyungsoo hesitates. It's not that he hasn't, because he has. He's found a reliable therapist's number in the phone book that he could possibly find help from. The only problem is, if he lets Luhan know about it, then he really has to commit and visit the therapist.

"Tell me the truth Kyungsoo. You want help don't you? There's nothing wrong with getting help," Luhan implores him.

Kyungsoo nods his head. "I think I've found somewhere nearby I'd be comfortable going."

Luhan smiles, his expression looks relieved. "Good. Do you want me to come with you?"

"I haven't made an appointment yet."

Luhan sighs and pulls out his cell phone. He holds it out towards Kyungsoo. "I know you're not going to unless I'm standing here in front of you. Do it now."

Kyungsoo cannot go back on his word. He's done it before. He's pretended to seek help only to lie to Luhan about it later. Luhan isn't taking no for an answer this time. He's not falling for anymore tricks. Kyungsoo takes the phone and goes into the house, with Luhan on his trail. Kyungsoo is glad that the phonebook is out in plain sight. He flips open to the dog-eared page he'd marked and dials the number. It rings a few times.

"Dr. Kim's office, how can I help you?" a male's voice greets him.

"I'd like to make an appointment," Kyungsoo replies.

"Okay, when would you like to come in?" the receptionist questions.

Kyungsoo glances at Luhan. "As soon as possible."

"We have an opening two days from now. Is that okay for you?" the male on the other line says.

After working out details and exchanging some information, Kyungsoo has successfully taken his first step as Luhan calls it. He spends time arguing with Luhan that he can go to the appointment alone and that he won't skip out on it. Eventually Luhan lets the topic go and leaves, claiming that this his last chance before Luhan completely intervenes in his life. 

 

 

Kyungsoo fishes out his best pair of semi casual clothing from in between a litter of empty ramyun containers and an unused bookshelf. He notices the few insect eggs attached to the material, along with a few patches of food stains, and so he decides to do a bit of laundry. Kyungsoo takes any other clothing he can find throughout his living room and makes his way to the back of the house. 

He squeezes himself through a hallway, entirely filled with legos and other children's toys. It's painful when he steps on few things, feeling the sharp jabs on the bottom of his feet. He puts his knuckles in his mouth to prevent himself from screaming out loud. 

When Kyungsoo reaches the back of his house, he sees that he's already been using the washing machine to store his his stash of emergency money and other important documents like his passport and his lease to the house. He decides to just do the laundry by hand instead of changing the place he keeps those documents.

Kyungsoo finds a children's blow up swimming pool in all the mess and takes it out into the front yard. He sets it down away from any cockroach infested area and fills the pool up with a watering hose. He dumps the clothes into the pool and goes back into the house to search for detergent or soap. He finds a bottle of detergent next to a dying plant in the pantry. He goes back out only to see Jongin turning the hose off. 

Jongin looks up and sees him, "I've only ever seen old ladies and Junmyeon hyung wash clothes like this."

Kyungsoo shrugs, "My washing machine has a more important job than washing clothes."

Jongin snorts, "You have a forty two inch flat screen on your bed and your washing machine has a much higher purpose than removing stains."

When Jongin puts it that way, even Kyungsoo finds it to be ridiculous. He turns his attention back on the clothes, determined to get them clean. Kyungsoo squirts the very small amount of detergent in the bottle all over the clothes and begins to wash them. He works on rubbing out the stains first and he becomes so immersed into the task that he doesn't realize Jongin hasn't left yet.

Kyungsoo takes a peek at his watch. "It's about three in the afternoon. Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"There's a lot of places I could be, but I chose to come to you," Jongin replies, simply.

All of a sudden, Kyungsoo is reminded of Baekhyun. Baekhyun was the only one to do this before Jongin appeared. Whenever Kyungsoo was having a hard time, Baekhyun would be there. Whenever Kyungsoo was neglected by his school friends, Baekhyun would keep him company. Kyungsoo drops the shirt he is holding and struggles to control his emotions.

Jongin moves forward and grabs a few clothes and begins scrubbing them.

"This is a nice shirt," he says.

Kyungsoo is relieved that Jongin has created a distraction for him. "I'm wearing that one tomorrow. I'm going out."

Kyungsoo realizes he finds pride in the statement. Jongin wouldn't know Kyungsoo hasn't been out around town in years. Kyungsoo barely allows himself to leave the front yard.

Jongin doesn't find anything strange about. He just smiles as if he's proud of Kyungsoo as well.

"Good luck."

 

 

Kyungsoo takes a shower in the backyard. It's been a while since Kyungsoo has cleaned himself. He knows there's been doing a lot of things he hasn't done in a while recently. This is strangely satisfying to Kyungsoo. Even though it's uncomfortable for him, it shows him that he can do it. He can make progress and be normal again.

He looks in the mirror to fix his shirt collar. Kyungsoo is glad he doesn't look like a caveman anymore. Unfortunately he still smells a bit. He supposes he should take another shower but there's no time left. He leaves through the front door an begins walking. He pauses for a moment at the edge of his property and then he moves on. 

Kyungsoo walks to the nearest bus stop by his house. It's alarming, how many people are out and about the city. Kyungsoo finds it suffocating with all the people passing by him, going from place to place. Some are in a hurry, some are strolling by leisurely, enjoying the nice weather. 

The weather is nice in Kyungsoo's standards. He likes the warmth of the sun, mixed with a slight breeze to keep the balance. The air around him is welcoming and friendly. Kyungsoo finds comfort in the weather. He wants to feel this way forever. 

Kyungsoo gets on the right bus when it arrives and he's thankful the bus is not crowded. He keeps to himself and looks out the window. He marvels at the buildings and the people. He'd almost forgotten what the city looks like. The last time he'd out he was with Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes, and leans his head against the window. He forces himself to think about anything other than Baekhyun. The bus jerks forward a second later and his eyes snap open. He's reached his stop. Kyungsoo gets off the bus and walks toward the clinic building and steps in side.

It looks cozy and spacious. Then again, Kyungsoo isn't used to seeing open space anymore. He's not sure if he was expecting it to smell like a hospital, but he's thankful it doesn't anyway. He walks up to the receptionists desk, wringing his hands nervously. A kind looking man with a sharp jawline and big round glasses, that looks about his age is sitting in the chair. Kyungsoo clears his throat and the receptionist looks up.

"I have an appointment right about now," Kyungsoo says.

The man smiles and gestures towards a door on the left. "Dr. Kim is waiting for you in there."

Kyungsoo nods and walks into the room. It's dimly lit and he notices a ficus in the corner of the room. There are two couches facing each other and Dr. Kim is sitting in one of them, writing on a notepad. Kyungsoo inches forward, finally capturing Dr. Kim's attention. Dr. Kim smiles and Kyungsoo is shocked at just how young he looks. 

"You don't seem like a doctor," Kyungsoo blurts out.

Dr. Kim smiles and nods. "My friends tell me that too, especially Jongdae. He's the receptionist you met out there. If it makes you feel more comfortable you can call me Minseok."

Kyungsoo chuckles nervously and sits down as Dr. Kim gestures for him to do so. He's stiff and he realizes he's nervous. He's never talked to anyone about Baekhyun before and he's not sure if he even should.

"Why are you here today Kyungsoo?" Dr. Kim Minseok asks him.

"I can't let go because I don't want to forget. So I keep things because I convince myself I need them, that they're precious to me. My house is full of things. I can't sleep on my bed. I take showers in my backyard. I know it's not normal. My cousin Luhan convinced me I need to get help," Kyungsoo says in a rush.

Dr. Kim nods and takes a few notes. "There's a word for what you do. It's called hoarding."

Kyungsoo knows this but he doesn't acknowledge it. He doesn't want to be labeled as a hoarder. That makes him seem more pitiful. He wants to be the only one that pities himself.

"Can you help me?" Kyungsoo says.

"Kyungsoo, I'm going to be very honest with you. I'm not here to help you or fix you. I'm here to make you realize you can help yourself," Dr. Kim says.

Kyungsoo doesn't know how Dr. Kim can do that but he's willing to do whatever it takes to live again. He doesn't want to be surrounded by endless piles of trash or cockroaches. He wants to be able to let go of all of it.

"Have you ever tried throwing something out?" Dr. Kim asks.

"I tried, but a little later I ended up fishing it out of the trash along with a few other things I found in the neighbor's trash as well."

Kyungsoo feels ashamed admitting that but something about Dr. Kim makes him feel comfortable. He knows Dr. Kim will not judge him or laugh at him. Dr. Kim is there to just listen. By the end of the session, Kyungsoo still hasn't said anything about Baekhyun but that's okay with him. The longer he can avoid talk of Baekhyun, the better.

He leaves the room and arranges another appointment with the receptionist, Jongdae, for a week later.


	3. Three

Kyungsoo stares at his living room, with a trash bag in his clutches. Luhan is behind him, urging him to start putting the trash into the bags. Kyungsoo can't. He won't. None of his belongings are trash. He knows this, because they're important to him. Luhan walks in front of him and holds up a box of cherry stems that Kyungsoo has collected over the past three years. Luhan walks back and holds the box to him.

"Here is something that definitely needs to go. You don't need these. They're collecting dust," Luhan says, reaching for the trash bag.

Kyungsoo withdraws, shaking his head. "No, not that. I can remember the first stem I collected. They keep me good company."

Luhan stares at him for a moment and slowly puts the box down. He looks around, and picks up a pair of broken slippers. "What about these?"

Kyungsoo knows they're of no use anymore, and yet he absolutely can not dispose the slippers that Luhan is holding. They too, are special to him. "Luhan, your mother bought me those when I was still a part of the family. I can't throw those out."

Luhan lets go of them, and sighs. Kyungsoo gulps. When Luhan sighs, it means his patience is being tested. Things are never good for Kyungsoo when Luhan becomes frustrated with him.

"Maybe we should do this another day," Kyungsoo suggests.

Luhan doesn't say anything. He just walks out of the house. Kyungsoo follows him, tripping over the slippers that Luhan dropped onto the floor. He wants to make sure Luhan is not angry with him. He hopes that Luhan isn't because Luhan is all Kyungsoo has left. He is the only family that still cares. Kyungsoo doesn't know what would happen to himself if Luhan was not there for him.

"Luhan, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do," Kyungsoo pleads with his cousin, running after him.

Luhan pauses in the front yard with his hands on hips, still not facing Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo watches Luhan's back heave before he speaks.

"Do you know how hard it is for me, Kyungsoo? Do you know how hard it is for me to stand here and listen to you say that three year old cherry stems are good company for you?" Luhan asks, his voice cracking with emotion.

Kyungsoo is taken aback because this is unfamiliar. In all of Kyungsoo's youth and even adulthood he has never seen Luhan like this. Kyungsoo suddenly feels worse than he did before. There is no pride in making Luhan this distraught. It is Kyungsoo's fault and he wants to do whatever he can to make Luhan happy, even if it means never talking to Luhan again.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. If you want, I'll throw everything I've ever owned. Don't suffer because of me, Luhan," Kyungsoo pleads, tears pricking his own eyes. 

Luhan is silent, and then he turns around. "It doesn't do any good if you throw everything out if you're just going to do this again. You need stop collecting all this garbage for good. Attend your appointments and keep me updated. I have to go now."

Kyungsoo nods and watches Luhan climb into his car and drive off. He notices he seems to watch people go off to places he's never been, more often lately. Kyungsoo hopes he will be able to go to a place nobody has been before. A place known only to him.

 

Kyungsoo finds himself in a difficult position when Jongin knocks on the door later on that afternoon asking him who Luhan is. Kyungsoo doesn't know how Jongin would know Luhan in return and so he is rendered speechless for a moment. He brings himself back to reality at the sight of Jongin peering into his house. He shuts the door and ushers them outside into the yard, where the lawn chairs are set up for their time together. 

"Are you ever going to let me inside your house? I don't care if you're a hoarder-," Jongin begins to say.

Kyungsoo cuts him off intentionally speaking harshly. "Don't label me like that. You don't know anything about me."

"And who's fault is that?" Jongin retorts.

Kyungsoo cannot respond because it's ultimately his fault. He is the one that does not let people into his life. He is the one that keeps pushing Jongin away, even though he doesn't want to. Kyungsoo sighs and rubs his face, remembering the reason Jongin came in the first place. He changes the topic in order to avoid arguing with the paperboy.

"How do you know Luhan?" Kyungsoo asks.

Jongin looks a bit troubled as he speaks. "That guy knocked on every door in the neighborhood trying to find out where I lived. He told me to come see you. The question is, how do you know Luhan? Aren't you supposed to be a loner?"

Kyungsoo glares at Jongin. It doesn't matter if he's antisocial. This does not mean he is a loner or that he wants to be a loner. Yet he cannot argue with Jongin because the fact is that Kyungsoo does not really have friends either. Luhan is family and he feels obligated to check in on Kyungsoo.

"Luhan is my cousin," Kyungsoo replies.

"So why did he ask me to come see you?" Jongin asks.

Kyungsoo leans back and looks into the sky. He relaxes and lets the sun beat down on him, despite the fact it has already begun to set.

"He tried to get me to throw stuff out today. I couldn't do it," Kyungsoo says, surprising himself.

He finds that talking to people, whether it is Dr. Kim or Jongin, is refreshing. He has never had someone to talk to until now. Jongin, however is not being paid to talk to him. Kyungsoo is conflicted as he always is when he talks to Jongin. He couldn't just dump all his problems on the boy. Jongin, no matter how comfortable he is to talk to will never understand him.

Jongin stretches out his legs, "Well you're getting help. That's a good thing."

Kyungsoo lets out a humorless laugh. "Did Luhan tell you that too?"

"Yeah, but obviously he didn't tell me everything."

Kyungsoo is thankful for this. He doesn't want Jongin to know everything. At least not yet.

 

 

Kyungsoo does not remain anxious for long because the kind hearted receptionist Jongdae comes over for a chat. They do not discuss his problems; instead they talk about the weather and music. He finds that he and Jongdae both have the same musical preferences, both liking alternative rock music. 

After a while, the door to Dr. Kim's room opens and a man his age walks out. He has short auburn hair that has obviously been dyed, a round face and dimples the size of craters. Dr. Kim's voice brings him back to reality.

"Kyungsoo, come on in," he says.

Kyungsoo walks in and sits himself down on the couch just like last time. He is slightly more comfortable but he's still nervous. The only thing that comforts him is that Dr. Kim is there to listen to him. The doctor may not necessarily care for Kyungsoo and his issues but at least the doctor has a reason for it: money.

"Tell me a little bit about your week Kyungsoo. How was it?" Dr. Kim asks.

Kyungsoo is relieved. He can talk about his week, "I edited two books this past week. My cousin Luhan came over a few times to talk to me. He tried to get me to throw stuff out yesterday but that didn't go so well. Jongin came over to give me some company too."

"Last time, you didn't talk about Luhan and Jongin. Do you want to talk a little bit about them?"

Kyungsoo shrugs, "Luhan is my cousin, but not by blood. I had an uncle that remarried when I was a kid and Luhan came with my new aunt. He's the closest thing I have to a brother now."

Kyungsoo switches topics because he is dangerously close to mentioning Baekhyun. He talks about Jongin instead, "Jongin is kind of weird. I met him about two and a half weeks ago. He's the paperboy in the neighborhood and for some reason he comes to just spend time with me. He seems to be interested in me and the way I live, but sometimes I feel like I'm just another freak show to him. I feel like he's trying to figure me out for his own amusement. I feel comfortable with him though. I don't know what that says about me."

"You want a friend," Dr. Kim comments, "otherwise you would have sent him off by now."

Kyungsoo has suspected this himself. He is not the type of person that would hesitate to remove someone from his life. He just doesn't know if he should specifically let Jongin in.

"Do you think Jongin would be good for me? Luhan said that having Jongin as a friend may help me," he asks the doctor.

Dr. Kim writes down a few notes on his pad. "I think if you can handle having a friend you should try it. Is Jongin special to you? Why have you been so hesitant to accept him?"

"Because he makes it seem like he cares. And if he cares, then I have to care back. I don't want to care," Kyungsoo says. It's difficult to put his thoughts into words and this is the closest he can come up with to express himself.

"When it comes to caring about anything, whether it's people or objects, what we think and what we feel are going to be different. You don't want to care but you do. Instead of pushing those feelings down, why not act on them?"

"Because the last time I cared too much, I ended up like this," Kyungsoo blurts out. He stiffens in his chair, realizing he's done it this time. The topic of Baekhyun will have to come next.

Dr. Kim writes down a few more things on his notepad and then closes it. "You and I both know you've shared more than you wanted to today. You can go now Kyungsoo. Schedule an appointment when you're ready."

Kyungsoo leaves, without scheduling an appointment on the spot. It may be a while before he returns.

 

Kyungsoo is not content with who he has become. He tries to imagine what his life would be like if Baekhyun had not died. Kyungsoo used to be able talk to strangers with ease. He used to be able to laugh along with the group of friends he and Baekhyun had both shared. Park Chanyeol was one of those friends. Chanyeol had been a tall boy with large ears and a wide smile. He had been loud and friendly to everyone and anyone he met. Kyungsoo wonders what Chanyeol is up to now.

He stares at the pamphlet that came in the mail this morning, filled with emotions he cannot describe. They come close to nostalgia, an empty sense of happiness, and a large amount of regret. Kyungsoo puts the pamphlet down. He knows Luhan will be here any minute because of this morning’s mail.

As if on cue, a minute later his doorbell rings and he answers the door. Luhan is red in the face, flushed with excitement. Kyungsoo knows what is coming next and he braces himself because he is definitely not as excited as Luhan.

“I’m making you go,” Luhan says.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I’m not going.”

Luhan does not sigh or look forlorn this time. This time, Luhan crosses his arms and looks Kyungsoo straight in the eye. “I’m making you come this reunion even if I have to drag you there.”

Kyungsoo cannot allow Luhan to convince him that this is a good idea. “Luhan, reunions are for bragging about how successful you’ve become in life. I really don’t think it would be good for me to come. You go and if you see Chanyeol, tell him I said hi.”

Luhan stomps his foot in a childlike manner. He huffs and pokes a finger in Kyungsoo’s face. “I’m taking you and I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m picking you up on the day of the event and you will dress up and smile and talk to your old friends.”

Kyungsoo is afraid. Luhan has never been this insistent on Kyungsoo’s active participation in life. He doesn’t say anything as Luhan leaves the house and grumbling about how he doesn’t receive more respect from Kyungsoo. It isn’t until he hears Luhan cheerily greet a certain paper boy that he comes to his senses. 

Kyungsoo runs out of his house as fast as he can to intercept Jongin from Luhan. Unfortunately, he forgets to stop running and barrels straight into Jongin and falls on top the him. Kyungsoo feels the air leave his lungs as they hit the grass. It’s not much of a cushion and he can only imagine how Jongin feels, bearing the majority of the impact. Kyungsoo scrambles up to his feet, hoping his face isn’t completely red in embarrassment. He looks around for Luhan but his cousin is long gone by now. 

“Are you that excited to see me?” Jongin asks, still breathless and laying on the floor.

“I wanted to get to so you wouldn’t have to deal with Luhan.”

Jongin stands up, brushing himself off. “Why? Luhan’s not a bad guy.”

Kyungsoo knows this. He rolls his eyes. “I know. At least not to strangers.”

Jongin nods, with a knowing look in his eyes. “Everyone’s like that. My friend Junmyeon has this philosophy that love is synonymous with cruelty.”

Kyungsoo understands this philosophy very well. Every memory of Baekhyun, the cousin he loved, felt worse than stab in the chest. It felt as if someone had taken a flaming hot iron rod and kept poking him with it and then just when it came time for his burn marks to heal, it would continue over and over again. 

“There’s a high school reunion coming up and Luhan wants me to go with him. Do you think I should?” Kyungsoo asks Jongin. 

Jongin shrugs. “If you’re questioning it, then it must mean there’s a part of you that wants to go. Only you can make the choice, Kyungsoo.”

 

 

Kyungsoo is no more content with his life than he was yesterday, but there seems to be something about today that makes him feel as if things will be okay. He doesn’t feel anxious or tense. He feels as if he has command over his own thoughts and actions. Kyungsoo understands he’s had the control to make his own decisions all this time. It's only today that he feels less restrained.

Kyungsoo smiles. He is happy about this feeling. It’s the morning so he waits out in the front yard for Jongin to deliver the newspaper. Right when the clock strikes 7, Jongin’s bike and Jongin himself, appear in front of his house. Kyungsoo waves to Jongin, caught up in his feelings. Jongin looks surprised but then smiles back and walks over to sit next to Kyungsoo.

“You look happy this morning,” he says to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo exhales shakily. “I think I am. I’m happy today. I think it’s because of what you said yesterday. I have to make the decisions in my life.”

“And what exactly have you decided?”

“I’ve decided not to go.” Kyungsoo replies.

Jongin raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure that decision will make you happy?”

“If I go I’m going to have meet people I haven’t seen in five years. I know what happens at reunions. They’re all going to sit there and talk about how successful they’ve become, how they might get married soon, how perfect their lives are. Can you imagine me doing that, considering the way I live?” Kyungsoo says, his heart sinking. Just thinking about the reunion puts him in a bad mood.

“People like to brag about the best of themselves even if their life is complete crap. Of course nobody’s going to go there and tell people about the student loans they still have to pay, how they have a girlfriend because they’re trying to hide the fact that they’re gay, or about how they get drunk every night because they hate the same exact job that’s buying them that sports car.” Jongin replies.

Kyungsoo hates Jongin because he finds ways to contradict every reason Kyungsoo can come up with to skip the reunion. He briefly wonders if Luhan put Jongin up to this, but he doesn’t think so. This is Jongin just being Jongin. Jongin will say anything that’s on his mind even if it upsets Kyungsoo.

“I hate your logic,” Kyungsoo says.

Jongin stands up, checking his watch. “You only hate it because you’re used to running away from the problem.”

 

 

Kyungsoo paces back and forth in the cramped space of his living room. In actuality, he’s walking in circles because there’s no way to walk in a straight line in his house. Kyungsoo almost gags when he spots a patch of mold on the wall near the electrical outlet. He doesn’t think it’s safe to plug his laptop there anymore. He can’t live without his laptop, quite literally. He edits books on his laptop, and that brings him money to pay for the house itself.

His knees grow weak. He doesn’t know what to do. Kyungsoo feels lost. He needs help. He needs to keep his house and he needs to get rid of everything. At this point he wants to believe that nothing is precious to him. He can’t remember why he’s kept any of it. There are some things he has no memory of and so those can’t be special to him. He grabs the drawstring garbage bag Luhan left on the floor and begins throwing things into the bag, not even looking to see what he’s putting in there.

He feels more and more empty every time he puts something in the bag. His heart feels heavier as he closes the bag and ties it up so that he won’t be able to untie it. He doesn’t know what’s coming over him. He just knows that if he doesn’t stop now, he won’t be able to do this again. He has to do what Luhan calls “letting go” before he clings himself to anything. At some point, when the third garbage bag is filled, he sees himself throw away his cherry stems and worn out slippers. 

This is when his fingers twitch to open not only this bag again, but the other two he’s already put out in the front for garbage pickup. Kyungsoo’s hand shakes as he opens the bag and takes the cherry stems out again. His mind flashes back to a memory in which cherry stems had become important.

“Ew Baek, that’s gross. Stop it!” Kyungsoo says.

Baekhyun grins at him, the cherry stem still in his mouth. Kyungsoo swats at his shoulder and Baekhyun opens his mouth, tongue sticking out for Kyungsoo to see.

“Did I get it yet?” Baekhyun asks.

Kyungsoo shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “One day you’re going to run out of stupid talents to accomplish.”

Baekhyun laughs wholeheartedly at him. “I don’t think I’ll ever run out of stupid stuff to do. Now shut up. The girl at the club did this in two seconds. How the fuck is this even possible?”

Kyungsoo’s screen darkens and he hits the brightness button a few times to get the screen back to normal. Baekhyun is still trying to tie a cherry stem with his mouth and is failing badly. Kyungsoo wants nothing more but to laugh at him and watch him give up. That won’t happen anyway, because Baekhyun doesn’t give up.

“Why don’t you try it?” Baekhyun asks, suddenly.

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. “I don’t know how to, that’s why.”

“I’ll teach you.”

“But you can’t even do it yourself, dummy,” Kyungsoo replies.

His protests go in one ear and out the other. Soon, Kyungsoo is sitting with a bowl of cherries and is trying to follow Baekhyun’s instructions. A few times, Baekhyun leans his head into the screen close enough to bang his head onto his computer screen. Kyungsoo laughs at him and Baekhyun threatens him a bit, saying he’ll throttle him as soon as he’s back in Korea. Kyungsoo finally manages to tie the cherry stem with his mouth and shows Baekhyun who throws himself a pity party and vows to be able to do it the next time they Skype.

“So what country are you guys going to be in tomorrow?” Kyungsoo asks, near the end of the video call.

Baekhyun rubs his eyes, tired. “We’re going to Brazil tomorrow.”

A voice calls out to Baekhyun, telling him to go to sleep. Baekhyun yells back rudely about respecting elders and that he doesn’t need a little kid giving him a bedtime.

“I gotta go Soo. The little prince is being a prick.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t mind. He knows Baekhyun needs rest.

“No problem. I have an early class tomorrow. Good night and tell Sehun good night too,” Kyungsoo says. The call ends and Kyungsoo cleans up the mess of cherry stems before he goes back to study again. 

Kyungsoo is lying on the floor, with tears in his eyes. Out of all the memories, it had to be that one. He wishes cherry stems were something he could let go. He just can’t. He can’t give up anything that reminds him of Baekhyun. 

He decides it’s time to meet with Dr. Kim again.


	4. Four

Kyungsoo walks in to the room afraid. He’s not ready to face his fears but he knows if he doesn’t do it now then he’ll never be ready. He forces himself to sit down calmly in front of Dr. Kim. There’s a sense of panic inside him despite the front he’s putting up. Dr. Kim seems to see through him and that worries Kyungsoo the most. He takes a deep breath.

“Kyungsoo, can you tell me about the time you cared too much?” Dr Kim asks.

Kyungsoo’s lip quivers for a moment and he then he speaks, “My cousin Baekhyun died two years ago.”

Dr. Kim nods, “Okay. It’s going to be okay, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo has heard this many times from the time of the funeral to now. Kyungsoo allows himself to believe it will be okay this time. Dr. Kim clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. Kyungsoo plays with his fingers and squirms in his seat. The room feels warmer than usual which is strange because the air conditioning had been on full effect the last two times he’d been there. His heart is pounded uncontrollably and he doesn’t know why his body is reacting so violently.

“Kyungsoo, are you okay right now?” Dr. Kim asks.

Kyungsoo nervously nods, “Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I want you to take deep breaths and focus on something that makes you happy. When was the last time you were happy?” Dr. Kim advises.

Kyungsoo does as the doctor asks and breathes deeply. He thinks about the last time he was happy. For a brief moment he thinks about the last video call he had with Baekhyun trying to tie a cherry stem with his mouth. His thoughts there are only brief because the very next thing he thinks about is Jongin’s bright smile, Jongin holding out a newspaper for him, and Jongin sitting next to him in the front yard of his house. Kyungsoo finds himself relaxed as he thinks of Jongin. 

“I thought of Jongin,” he says to Dr. Kim.

“Jongin must mean a lot to you. The question is, are you okay with that? Does it feel comfortable to care about him?” 

Kyungsoo knows that if Jongin makes him happy then he should cling on to Jongin as if his life depends on it. However that wouldn’t be fair to Jongin. Even if the naive kid thinks he can handle how mentally unstable Kyungsoo is, Jongin has never truly see the extent of how he’s let his condition get the better of him. What scares him is that in that moment he considers letting Jongin inside his house. He’s never had anyone over at his house in the past two years except for Luhan. To let a stranger into his home is unthinkable. But Jongin is not a stranger anymore. 

“I don’t know what I feel. I just know I need Jongin. He helps,” Kyungsoo says.

Dr. Kim smiles, “I think you’ve found an anchor. If Jongin is someone you can talk to and feel comfortable with then it may be a good thing to stick around him. But Kyungsoo, the issue at hand seems to be your relationship with your cousin.”

Kyungsoo knows that Dr. Kim is urging him to talk and so to feel more comfortable, he thinks of Jongin. Jongin’s face is plastered in his mind as he speaks.

“Two years ago, Baekhyun had dropped out of college and took a our friend who’d dropped out of high school, Sehun, to travel around the world. He was a free spirit and he was as friendly as people could come. He wanted to see the world but three months into the trip, he died,” Kyungsoo cries.

It hurt no matter how many times he thought about it. The fact that Baekhyun was gone and he would never come back was never going to change. What hurts Kyungsoo the most are the memories of Baekhyun that cross his mind whenever the thought of him comes up. He hates how memorable Baekhyun is. He hates how someone who played with him, grew up with him, laughed with him and even cried with him is just gone. Baekhyun is irreplaceable.

Kyungsoo feels the tears come to his eyes, and he grabs a tissue from the box Dr. Kim places in front of him.

“He promised he’d come home safely but he didn’t keep that promise. I hated him when he died. I hated how he left me alone,” Kyungsoo says. “That makes a bad person, right? How could I hate someone for dying?”

Dr. Kim shakes his head, “It’s okay to have hated him then. It means you cared enough toe able to grieve properly. What do you feel now?”

“Worthless. I think I’m going to go home now. Thank you for your time,” Kyungsoo says.

As he leaves the room he realizes he doesn’t really feel all that worthless. Kyungsoo schedules another appointment.

 

 

By the time Kyungsoo returns home the garbage truck has come and gone. He feels relieved. Now he won’t have the urge to bring the bags back into the house. He sits down in his lawn chair and places his laptop on legs. It’s not as warm outside as it used to be during the summer. The signs of autumn are appearing from the drop in temperature to the few leaves that have already begun changing colors. 

The novel he has to edit today is interesting. The writer, albeit using a generic storyline, managed to make the story a thrilling read. Kyungsoo almost becomes caught up in the story and forgets he is supposed to be looking for mistakes within the novel.

Kyungsoo finishes just as the is about to end. The sky is a bright red and orange expanse, stretching out to the ends of the earth. He laughs humorlessly. When he was little, he had thought that when the sun would set, the sky would bleed in pain and sadness. Baekhyun had been the one to laugh at him and set him straight. A lump forms in Kyungsoo’s throat. He wonders if there will ever be anything that doesn’t remind him of Baekhyun.

“Kyungsoo, don’t cry,” Jongin’s voice says, making his eyes shoot open. “You look different when you cry.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t bother deny thing the fact that he had indeed been crying. Instead he wipes his tears with a sleeve and clears his throat.

“Different as in ugly? he asks.

Jongin chuckles and shakes his head, “Different as in, beautifully tragic. When you cry, I can feel your pain. So tell me who made you cry. I promise they won’t be alive by tomorrow.”

Kyungsoo wants to laugh because of Jongin’s thoughtfulness. He doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve a friend like Jongin. He’s never felt so cared for and accepted since Baekhyun and he likes it. He knows that he can find a find in Jongin. He makes a decision then, in the moment. Being impulsive is good for him because it’s the only time he ever does anything normal.

“Do you want to come inside the house?” he asks, changing the topic.

Jongin doesn’t miss a beat. He merely smiles and nods as if he knows Kyungsoo wouldn’t want him to act as if it were a big deal. It is a big deal and Kyungsoo is grateful not to be gawked at or asked if he’s sure. Jongin knows that Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything if he doesn’t mean it. Jongin waits for him to lead the way inside the house. 

Jongin comes in without saying a word. He doesn’t even wrinkle his nose in the face of the smell. He just looks around and Kyungsoo is the one who is embarrassed. He would have liked to have shown Jongin a decent place to live, but that isn’t the truth. Jongin cranes his neck looking everywhere.

“This can be fixed. You have my support, Kyungsoo,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo lets out a breath, thankful that Jongin is not disgusted by him. 

 

 

Life is defined as the existence of a individual human being or animal. What a person does with their existence is what matters. Existence is a gift for those who have potential to do great things. Kyungsoo has let his existence become meaningless for the past two years. He has not lived with purpose or pride. He has merely existed. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t want to just exist anymore. He has cleared out his bathroom, temporarily finding a place out in the backyard for what had been in there; and he’s cleaned it too. He takes a lengthy shower to thoroughly scrub himself with soap and shampoo his hair. When he’s done with that, Kyungsoo feels clean. He feels a bit more confident than usual. 

The only thing missing from his ensemble are shoes. Kyungsoo doesn’t have any decent shoes he can wear to the reunion. Luhan is already on his way so he knows he can’t ask Luhan to bring a pair. Kyungsoo looks down at his feet and decides that Jongin may have an old pair that fits him. If not, it won’t hurt to ask. Jongin won’t judge him or ridicule him for not having dress shoes.

Kyungsoo puts on a pair of slippers and leaves his house. He remembers Jongin telling him that he lives down the street with four other people from the university he goes to. Kyungsoo notes that the weather is chilly and that he should take a coat with him when he goes to the reunion. It will only get colder as the night drags on. 

He stops in front of a house no bigger than his. He frowns at the thought of Jongin living in a cramped space with four others. He walks up to the front door and knocks, hoping that Jongin will be the one to answer. Unfortunately, when the front door swings open Kyungsoo is met face to face with a short man with brownish black hair and a soft, kind face.

“Can I help you?” he asks.

“I’m looking for Jongin,” Kyungsoo replies.

The man smiles and ushers him inside the way his mother would when Kyungsoo would visit her. The interior is rather spacious compared to what he’d seen from outside the house. There’s not one speck of dirt as far as his eyes can see. 

“Jongin’s probably in his room. Follow me, I’ll take to you to see him,” the man says.

He leads Kyungsoo down a hallway towards a room where Kyungsoo can hear voices. Two people are arguing with each other and what surprises Kyungsoo is that both of them seem familiar. One of them is clearly Jongin. Kyungsoo stands in the doorway frozen in place at the sight. A tall blonde man is ripping a tie off of his collar and shoving in back into Jongin’s hands. 

“Jongin you have a visitor,” the short man says.

“Junmyeon hyung can you stall for a sec. This idiot-,” Jongin starts to say and notices Kyungsoo standing in the doorway.

Kyungsoo is looking at both Jongin and the tall blonde haired resident of the house who is staring back, equally in shock. Kyungsoo breaks the silence first.

“It’s been a while, Sehun.”

 

He stares at Sehun in disbelief. He’s undoubtedly confused as to why Oh Sehun is standing in a house that’s right down the street, acting as if he’s good friends with the annoyingly friendly paperboy. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do. It’s as if he’s being held frozen in place by some unseen force. 

“Kyungsoo,” Sehun says and his tone shows that he’s just as stunned as Kyungsoo is. 

Kyungsoo feels a wave of nostalgia hit him as he hears the sound of Sehun’s voice. Oh Sehun. Baekhyun’s best friend. He almost expects Baekhyun to appear out of nowhere and make a stupid joke or laugh about the way Sehun’s tie is crooked. Kyungsoo waits and then he realizes that none of that will happen. Baekhyun is dead and nothing will change that fact.

“You two know each other?” Jongin’s voice cuts through Kyungsoo’s miserable thought process.

Before Sehun can make any indication as to how they know each other, Kyungsoo decides to leave. He’s tried to avoid letting Jongin into this part of his life and with one word from Sehun, everything could change that. He wants to distance Jongin starting now, because if Kyungsoo knows Sehun then there won’t be any avoiding a full blown recount of what happened three years ago. 

“Kyungsoo, do you want him to know?” Sehun asks before Kyungsoo can make his escape.

Kyungsoo stops just before he can leave the room. He doesn’t know how to react to this. Sehun has now just confirmed they know each other but he’s also confirmed Kyungsoo is hiding something from Jongin. Kyungsoo knows that Jongin already knows he’s hiding something but now Jongin knows that Sehun knows the big secret.

It’s a complicated web and Kyungsoo turns around, making up his mind to end it once and for all. He looks at Jongin who is looking from Sehun to Kyungsoo with a confused expression on his face. This amuses Kyungsoo considering he’s never seen Jongin look less than put together. Sehun seems to notice Jongin and snaps back into reality.

“Jongin, leave us alone. This conversation is private,” Sehun urges.

Jongin makes a face, clearly upset in being left out of the conversation. He leaves anyway and Kyungsoo can tell he’s worried about something. Perhaps he believes Sehun will say something to upset him, but Kyungsoo is prepared for this. He expects Sehun to talk about unpleasant things.

“It’s been years. Have you been well?” Sehun asks him.

Kyungsoo shrugs. “I’m sure you’ve heard from Luhan how I’m doing. Nothing’s changed.”

Sehun sighs and rubs his face. “You’re the Creep in House 42, aren’t you? The one Jongin talks about all the time?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t appreciate being called a creep again but he cannot deny the fact. However he is startled by the fact that Jongin talks about him all the time. He doesn’t know whether that is a good thing or not. In the back of his mind he wonders if Jongin says good things or if he considers Kyungsoo a problem that needs to be fixed. His silence due to his thoughts confirms Sehun’s suspicions.

“God, Kyungsoo. It’s never going to be easy, you know that right?” Sehun exhales as if he’s having trouble breathing.

“I know. I know what you’re going to say. I have to move on and that living the way I do isn’t healthy,” Kyungsoo snaps.

“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that I understand. I should have been with him. I’m sorry I wasn’t with him. You counted on me to look after him and I failed you,” Sehun’s voice grows louder with each sentence. 

It doesn’t take much for Kyungsoo to realize that Sehun is on the verge of tears. He clears his throat and thinks of something comforting to say. It’s not his place to comfort anyone in relation to Baekhyun because he can’t find comfort himself. Yet he finds the right words in the truth of the situation.

“You were just a kid, Sehun. You were both just young stupid kids. There was nothing you could have done,” Kyungsoo says. 

Someday Sehun will realize there was nothing he could have done. It’s then, that Kyungsoo realizes what he needs to do. He needs to be able to accept that there was no other fate for Baekhyun than death, three years ago.

“Are you going to that reunion or not, Sehun? Junmyeon’s got the car ready outside!” Jongin appears, interrupting their conversation.

 

Kyungsoo ends up borrowing Junmyeon’s shoes and becomes squished in the backseat of the homeowner’s car. Sehun and Jongin are sitting next to him, while Jongin’s dog takes up the space of the front seat. It’s interesting to learn that Jongin has three dogs. However the amount of interest that Kyungsoo has in that is nowhere near the amount of interest Jongin has in his relationship with Sehun.

Kyungsoo lets Sehun do all the talking, which he limits to telling Jongin that they are old friends from high school. Jongin’s questions are clearly intrusive and unwelcome but he doesn’t seem to care that Sehun doesn’t want to tell him anything. When Junmyeon parks the car outside their old high school, Kyungsoo and Sehun exit the car, only to have Jongin follow them.

“What are you doing? Get back in the car!” Sehun snaps.

“Your invite says you can bring a plus one. Now the fact that the two of you are only bringing one basically screams the fact you’re trying to cut down on people pollution. I’m pretty sure the reunion committee won’t complain. Now come on and meet your old buddies!” Jongin reasons.

The reasons he gives aren’t very comprehensible and Sehun is visibly even more irritated with Jongin than before. Kyungsoo is more worried than annoyed. He doesn’t want Jongin to stick to them this evening. He doesn’t want Jongin to meet the people he went to high school with and learn about what kind of person Kyungsoo used to be. He doesn’t want Jongin to know how messed up he is.

He rubs his palms nervously on his semi-faded pants and walks into the venue. It’s being held in the school gymnasium. There are streamers and balloons everywhere, along with a banner to welcome the alumni. There’s a table in the corner with assortments of snacks and drinks. People he used to know are wandering about, greeting old friends and acquaintances. The first thing Kyungsoo does is spot Luhan with a tall man that is easily recognizable. 

Kyungsoo bites his lip and stiffly walks over, knowing that one way or another Park Chanyeol will seek him out to talk. Luhan notices him walking over and smiles reassuringly. However this is short lived as soon as Luhan notices who is walking beside him. Sehun is following, presumably to be some sort of moral support for him.

“Do Kyungsoo, is that you? Nobody’s heard from you in years!” Park Chanyeol speaks, as soon as he sees him.

“Hi Chanyeol,” Sehun says, making Chanyeol jump. As the entire group of friends reunite, Chanyeol begins telling inside jokes from back in the day. It’s not until he tells one who’s punchline was Baekhyun’s to tell that the mood turns somber.

An awkward cough breaks through the silence and every set of eyes turn to Jongin. The paperboy’s cheeks flush as he realizes he’s an outsider. Kyungsoo decides to save him and announces he’s going to get a drink. He grabs Jongin towards the table in the corner and takes his time with unscrewing the bottle cap.

“So these are your friends?” Jongin asks, tentatively.

“These were my friends,” Kyungsoo answers. That’s all he’s comfortable telling Jongin but like usual, the boy is relentless when it comes to getting answers.

“So why aren’t they your friends anymore?” Jongin inquires. Kyungsoo sets the bottle down and carefully thinks about the answer he’s going to give Jongin.

“Something happened three years ago. It’s the reason why nobody talks to each other anymore and it’s the reason why I’m so messed up. I’ve given you enough to think about tonight so can you stop asking more questions?” Kyungsoo said, adding just enough irritation in his voice to make it clear that he doesn’t want Jongin to pry anymore.

However, Kyungsoo is surprised that he doesn’t feel that irritated anymore. He just feels tired of it all.


	5. Five

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" Minseok asks him.

Kyungsoo has never thought about the future. For him, it's about getting through one day at a time without completely breaking down and foraging through other people's trash to keep. For him, each day means trying to forget about Baekhyun as much as he can. Luhan takes his hand and squeezes it. Minseok notices and scribbles something down on his notepad. Kyungsoo doesn't know whether that is a good or bad thing. 

"How about you, Luhan? Where do you see Kyungsoo in five years?" the doctor repeats his question.

Kyungsoo didn't want his cousin to come but the therapist requested that Luhan tag along. Now that they are both there, there's no escaping it. Kyungsoo is being forced to listen to how the rest of the family sees him. He's being forced into hearing what Luhan thinks of him, which isn't that much better.

"I see him happy. There's no doubt he's been trying really hard lately. I know he wants to be happy so five years from now, I can see him doing just that," Luhan answers.

Kyungsoo has never heard this before. Luhan has always told him he has faith in him to get better. Luhan believes that Kyungsoo can be a better individual. It's rare for anyone to cheer him on or believe in him. Only Baekhyun had ever done that out of all his family members. Kyungsoo can't remember a time when Baekhyun wasn't telling him that everyone had the ability to do what they wanted and that all they had to do was work for it. It was what he'd said before Kyungsoo had applied to university and right before Sehun decided to drop out of high school.

He hasn't always wanted to be an editor at a publishing company. At one time he'd wanted to sing or act. He'd been good at it too. In high school, Kyungsoo had starred in every production the school's drama department put on. Baekhyun would have been doing it with him too. Despite how different they were in personality, they shared interests. 

"I see myself living," he says to Minseok.

He truly does, when really really thinks about it. Kyungsoo has seen himself living in his daydreams. He can envision himself in a clean house with a better job and maybe a spouse. He'd like the standard dream for any typical guy his age. He wants a life that resembles normalcy and hoarding isn't normal. He just needs to get past his need to hold on to the past. He just doesn't know how.

"That's good, Kyungsoo."

Minseok writes on his notepad. Luhan stares at him, alarmed, which is when he realizes that his statement sounds as if he's contemplated death. Kyungsoo sighs, wondering how to explain the difference between living and existing to his cousin. He wants to explain that the time for just existing is over. Kyungsoo needs to live.

 

 

Jongin comes to his house with trash bags later on in the evening. This is a concern for Kyungsoo not because his so-called friend has brought trash bags, but because he's there in general. Kyungsoo is always rude to Jongin. Especially after the reunion, Kyungsoo's mood had been explosive. The smallest comment from Jongin had set him off to insist that the paperboy leave him alone. Kyungsoo regrets his actions but he can't change them.

"Why do you keep coming to hang out with me, Jongin? I'm always rude to you," he asks, as they stuff garbage into the bags.

In the morning when the therapy session had ended, Luhan insisted that Jongin come over to help Kyungsoo throw things out. It's helping so far, Kyungsoo realizes. Jongin's presence distracts him from thinking about any meaning a piece of trash has to him. His logic has been thrown out the window, figaritively speaking. His only thought is to throw out as much as possible. He doesn't want to keep any of it out of fear that Jongin will stop coming around.

As much as he hates to admit it, he enjoys the company of the younger male. Kyungsoo feels at ease with Jongin. It's something he hasn't felt since Baekhyun.

"Because you seem to hate life," he answers.

"What kind of a reason is that?"

Jongin puts down the bag he's holding and walks to Kyungsoo so they are facing each other as they talk. "You're so negative and I'm so positive. You need me to balance you out."

Kyungsoo doesn't know how to respond to that. He just knows he feels something in the pit of his stomach. The kind of effect Jongin has on him is nowhere near platonic. He takes a deep breath, knowing he can't be around the younger man if the feelings he's having really are more than they should be. He's always known that he's gay but Jongin doesn't and only sees Kyungsoo as a friend. This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to make friends, interact with people and most of all crush on the neighborhood paperboy.

"My cousin Baekhyun died two years ago," Kyungsoo blurts out.

Jongin nods. "I figured it was something like that. Do you want to talk about it?"

He does. He's been meaning to talk about it since the reunion. He's been feeling guilty about pushing Jongin away. Yet it isn't until the moment he slips up and blurts it out that he realizes that this is the way to fix himself. The way to heal is acknowledge what happened and share what he feels about it. He just needed to find someone he was comfortable enough with to be able to do that.

"Baekhyun and Sehun went backpacking around the world right before I went off to university. They were in South America; Brazil to be specific. There was this one day when Sehun didn't want to get up early in the morning, so Baekhyun went off to hike up a mountain by himself. We don't know exactly how it happened by they found his body down the side of the trail. It looked like he fell and was impaled by a rock. Sehun still feels guilty about not being there with him."

"What was he like?" Jongin asks.

Kyungsoo has sung praises for Baekhyun in his mind ever since the death happened. He wants to tell Jongin how Baekhyun had always been a good listener and how he encouraged everyone to do good things in life. Yet all he can manage to say are a few words that do no justice to his cousin at all. 

"He was my best friend and pretty much the best human being I've ever met," Kyungsoo says.

Jongin smiles as if it's all Kyungsoo needed to tell him at all. Maybe it is. Maybe Kyungsoo doesn't need to tell anyone how great Baekhyun was because it's in the past now. No matter how much Kyungsoo tells him about Baekhyun, Jongin will never be able to know him. They'll never get to talk or bond over how lame Kyungsoo is. Baekhyun will never get to interrogate Jongin on his behalf to figure out whether Jongin shares the feelings Kyungsoo is beginning to have. 

And maybe that's okay. It's okay because even if Baekhyun isn't here, at least someone remembers him and what he was like. There are people that can speak highly of him at all.

"I think Baekhyun would be proud of you if he were here," Jongin tells him.

"No, not really. But I'll find a way to make him proud."

 

 

They go over to Junmyeon's house, but more specifically, Jongin's room. Sehun is there asleep on the carpeted floor, snoring loudly and with his mouth wide open. They watched several movies before Sehun had passed out and a few more after that. It's the most fun Kyungsoo has ever had, even when Baekhyun had been around. He enjoys talking to Jongin and Sehun. He feels comfortable with them both, enough to be able to joke around and smile as if he'd never been in a negative state of mind in his entire life. The feeling is refreshing and he doesn't want it to end.

But like his aunt had told him something once and it has stuck with him over the years. "Nothing lasts forever."

He wipes his hands on his jeans and gets up to leave. But before he can fully stand up, Jongin's hand closes around his wrist and tugs him back onto the sofa. The TV is still playing the final scenes of The Lion King, a movie that Jongin had picked. The light is shining on their faces, making it possible to see each other in the dark.

"Kyungsoo, I have to tell you something and it might make you uncomfortable, but I think it's fair to let you know," Jongin whispers, careful not to wake Sehun up.

Kyungsoo feels his heart speed up like a car about to merge onto the highway. He takes a shaky breath. "What is it?"

"I think I like you. As in, more than friends," Jongin says, and he looks so nervous while he says it. It makes Kyungsoo want to hold his hand and tell him that it's alright.

"Good."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I thought I was going to have a one sided crush. So it's good that you like me," Kyungsoo explains. "The question is, why do you like me? I'm weird and I'm a hoarder."

"You're getting better everyday though. Today we threw out so much trash together and that's when I knew I had to tell you how I felt. I like you because despite of everything you went through, you feel and act on your emotions even if it ruins you. It's messed up but I started liking you because you're a hoarder."

"Then maybe you have problems," Kyungsoo laughs darkly.

"We all have problems. Some of us just react more strongly to them."

Kyungsoo wonders what he has done to deserve this. What has he done to deserve the affection of someone like Jongin? Jongin is bright and friendly and wise beyond his years. He's the type of person that deserves much more than Kyungsoo can offer him. He deserves someone that can give him the world. But Kyungsoo is also selfish and imperfect; and he wants Jongin to stay by his side. He wants Jongin to be there for his ups and downs because he knows he'll only be able to get through it with Jongin there.

"So are we together or how do you want to define this?" Kyungsoo asks.

"We're together but only if you want to be. I mean, I want us to be together," Jongin says.

Kyungsoo smiles and Jongin knows the answer is what the both of them want. They continue watching The Lion King until the credits roll; only this time they were holding hands. And it feels nice.

 

 

A week later, Jongin stops by when Luhan is over much to Kyungsoo's horror and declares his intentions to his cousin. Luhan seems utterly shocked but not so much that he is speechless. He claps Jongin on the back and pulls him into a hug and it suddenly feels as if they have bonded over something that Kyungsoo is not a part of. It makes him uneasy to see his brother like figure and his new boyfriend getting along.

Boyfriend, Kyungsoo repeats in his mind.

Jongin is his boyfriend. After a life of failed confessions and being looked down upon by his family and schoolmates, Kyungsoo has found success in finding a boyfriend. He feels as his life has taken a turn and that he hasn't failed at something for once. It feels good and he wants to keep feeling that way. Kyungsoo wants it to last forever even though he cannot delusionally believe that a relationship with a track record of one day could last forever. He just wants a future with Jongin.

Half an hour later they are laughing in the front yard, passing boxes of Chinese food to each other and eating. Kyungsoo is so caught up in the mood that he doesn't question it when Luhan presses his cell phone to his ear. Without thinking he says hello to the person on the other end.

"How are you lately?" it's a woman's voice that speaks to him. 

"I'm great. Who is this?" Kyungsoo asks. He's beginning to realize that this woman's voice is a little too familiar. His good mood is overshadowed by the sudden realization that Luhan has tricked him into talking to his mother.

"Kyungsoo, is it true that you're getting better?" his mother says, voice trembling.

"Why don't you come visit me to find out?" he says coldly.

Before he hangs up, he doesn't miss his mother saying, "I will."

Kyungsoo hands Luhan the phone and sighs. "How long have you been keeping her in the loop?"

"Since the beginning. She's always cared about you because she's your mom, you know," Luhan tells him. "She's just happy that you're getting better and she's become a bit more understanding about why things turned out the way they did."

He looks toward Jongin to see what he thinks about it. Jongin nods at him and gives him an encouraging smile. So he makes his decision right then and there. He'll give his mother and the rest of his family another chance to accept him the way he is. And Jongin will be there at his side to support him while Luhan will be there to defend him. 

He gets up and goes into the house. It's spotless now. It wasn't easy for him to throw everything away but he's realized something in the process of throwing all of his junk out. Not every memory needs to be remembered. One day Kyungsoo will be old and gray and his memory will fail. He used to panic over it but now he knows that it's only natural. The best memories stay with us for as long as they can. Some memories will drift away natural like they should. Because memories shouldn't be remembered for the sake of remembering every aspect of life. Our thoughts and rememberances are meant to be shared so that we give those pieces of our lives to others. That's what really mattered.

Kyungsoo looks at the wooden tiling of his home, glad that he can actually see what the floor looks like. There are no more cockroaches all over the place to hide from. Kyungsoo had even gone as far to have the walls painted white. In this clean house it looked like Heaven. It was the kind of Heaven he could see himself living in for a long time.

He would never tell anyone but sometimes when he was alone with his thoughts, he could imagine Baekhyun standing there in his house over a container of cherry stems, the one thing Kyungsoo had wanted to keep, smiling at him. Sometimes during these moments, Kyungsoo would pull out a box of cherries from the refridgerator and try to tie the stems with his tongue. Sometimes he didn't succeed and sometimes he did. And when he did Baekhyun would laugh at him and say, "I'm proud of you."

And for Kyungsoo that was enough.


End file.
